


Persona non Grata

by bittenbullet



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (Comics), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy - All Media Types
Genre: Bonding, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2358890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittenbullet/pseuds/bittenbullet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Guardians find a puppy. Chaos ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Three Guardians stood in a triangle in ominous silence, smack dab in the middle of Milano’s deck. 

Rocket deposited Baby Groot’s pot on the floor. Craning his neck and standing on his tiptoes did not help; Rocket still could not see a damn thing. Of course he couldn’t. Everyone was so freakishly tall. They probably grew that way on purpose just to make his life more difficult. What a bunch of A-holes.

“What’s going on?” Rocket demanded, hands on hips. The only things at his eye level were their asses. Story of his life. He missed the good old days when he could climb up Groot’s shoulders and survey the world with a lordly air. 

Wordlessly, the trio parted. 

A small, blond, four-legged thing was dancing around in the glass box Drax usually used to store knives and swords and various pointy objects. 

“While I was moving supplies, this strange little creature followed me onto the ship,” Drax said by way of explanation. He sounded solemn. Then again, Drax always sounded solemn. “It must be a master of stealth, as I was not aware of its presence until the green wh-“ He slid bloodred eyes to Gamora. “The green woman pointed it out to me,” he finished tactfully.

“I have seen similar creatures before, in a flea market on Xandar,” Gamora said, tossing back dark red hair and flicking an unimpressed glance in Drax’s direction. “I think it was a booth that traded in Earth merchandise. It was surprisingly easy to lure and trap this animal, although I haven’t the foggiest idea as to what it is. This should be your area of expertise.” She directed the last bit at Quill, who gave her an affirmative nod. 

“What does it do?” Gamora wondered out loud. A black button nose peeked over the top of the box. “Is it a trained weapon? Does it drain the blood of your enemies?”

“Nooooo,” Quill said, drawing out the word like molten taffy. “What are you, crazy? It’s a puppy. It doesn’t do anything. You keep it as a pet.”

All eyes turned on Quill, confused and curious and accusing, and he heaved a long-suffering sigh. 

“A pet?” Drax echoed doubtfully. 

“A companion,” Quill clarified.

“Ah,” said Drax, his eyes lighting up in sudden understanding. “Just like ourselves.”

“What? No no no, a pet is not like us. At all. A pet is not human- huh. None of you are human. God, this is hard. You know what? Screw this. Yes. Yes, it is. You are absolutely right.” Quill squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers, as if he was trying to stave off an oncoming migraine.

“It is fascinating to learn another new synonym. I am very glad for the privilege,” Drax told Quill, his voice completely sincere. “I shall remain, today and for the rest of my days, your most loyal pet.”

Quill’s mouth twisted into a funny line, torn between a smile and a grimace. 

“With Gamora it would be kind of hot, but that sounded so wrong on so many levels, coming from your mouth.” Grinning, Quill reached up and patted a very confused Drax reassuringly on the shoulder before turning his attention back to The Thing. He got on his knees and studied it carefully, sandy blond brows knotted in concentration.

“I’m pretty sure it’s a Golden Retriever,” Quill said at long last. He sounded wistful. “I remember because I always wanted a dog when I was a kid, but my mom said no.”

“It retrieves gold,” Gamora said in awestruck tones, staring at The Thing in amazement.

“It does look to be a clever, friendly creature,” Drax observed, placing one large hand on the edge of the box. The Thing put a paw over Drax’s hand. It looked like it was smiling.

“Awww,” said Gamora, kneeling down to rub The Thing behind the ears.

Rocket considered The Thing with narrowed eyes and waited for warm, fuzzy feelings to kick in. It did not happen.

The Thing caused a sensation when it tipped the box over. Without prompting, Drax swept Baby Groot off the floor clear out of harm’s way. The Thing charged straight at Rocket and bounced off. Undeterred, it got to its feet and charged at Rocket twice more, as if it could remove Rocket from its path by the sheer force of will. Rocket was slightly gratified to see The Thing was much, much smaller than himself.

He was slightly less gratified when Quill said, “You know what? Let’s keep the little bugger.”

“Oh hell no, we are not keeping it,” Rocket snarled, picking up The Thing. He held it at arm’s length, shook it real hard, and gave it a death glare. “There is only one mascot on this ship, and that’s me.”

“You know, people generally don’t hold puppies like they’re going to explode,” Quill told him. 

“Bite me,” Rocket said. 

The Thing ---okay, fine, the puppy--- panted back at him, a long pink tongue lolling out, black eyes wide. It was starting to wiggle. Rocket felt like he was holding on to a bar of treacherously wet soap.

Drax deposited Baby Groot carefully on the table. He turned back to give the puppy a grave, appraising look. 

“The more I see of him, the more he resembles our good friend, Rocket,” Drax declared. “Like Rocket, I am certain he will make a fine pet.”

“What the hell? He looks nothing like me!” Rocket snapped, slapping down the damn thing with far more care than it deserved. The puppy turned around in his box in circles and whined, low and mournful.

“Actually, he kind of does.” Quill shrugged as Rocket transferred his glare to him. “Sorry, Rocket.”

“I dare you to name one thing he and I have in common,” Rocket demanded between clenched teeth.

Drax considered. 

“He has two eyes and a nose and a mouth,” Drax said after a long moment. “And he has hair.”

“That description can apply to all of us,” Gamora told Drax, her voice dry as sand. “Except for you, regarding the hair. Unless you have some on parts I don't know about.”

Everyone winced at the mental image.

“Okay, folks. We’re a democratic nation. Let’s put it down to a vote,” Quill said cheerfully, grinning like the complete madman he was. Rocket’s head snapped up in horror. “Who wants the puppy to stay?”

Gamora and Drax both raised their hands immediately. 

Baby Groot, the filthy traitor, waved ecstatically behind Drax.

“Uhhhhh,” Rocket said, and put his face in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic actually has a plot. God help me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misuse of movie quotes. You have been warned.

“We should honor our newest comrade with a good name,” Drax said.

After a half hour of deliberation, they all agreed that the puppy posed no threat and should no longer be held captive. The box had to go. 

Drax looked pleased to have his weapon box back, and the puppy looked pleased to be out of his glass prison. Following his release, the puppy tore through the deck like a tiny blond tornado and sent wispy yellow hairs flying in his wake. Rocket’s allergies were staging a venomous protest in his eyes and nose.

“He’s an animal,” said Rocket. He paused in the act of blowing his nose and rolled his eyes at the sheer stupidity of the notion. “Why would anyone want to name an animal?” 

Every pair of eyes in the room turned to Rocket. He bristled like a wet cat under the weight of their silent, pitying gaze.

“This is different,” Rocket insisted, crumpling up the tissue and tossing it in the bin. “I can think for myself. I can talk.”

“So can he,” Gamora pointed out, rubbing the puppy’s round belly and making his hind leg kick. “We just don’t understand his language, that’s all.” 

Her mouth curled up at the edges, slow and sweet. Rocket was severely tempted to shoot her down for being absolutely ridiculous, but Gamora’s smiles were rare as hen’s teeth. He was not going to be the one to wipe it off her face.

“Fine,” Rocket ground out, squashing down the urge to stomp his feet and howl like a temperamental three-year-old. Whipping his head around, he pointed an accusing finger at Drax. “YOU found him. He’s YOUR fucking responsibility.”

Drax looked absurdly pleased at the prospect. Rocket was sure he wouldn’t be quite as happy when he had to chase down the puppy with a poop shovel and snappy plastic gloves.

“I object,” Quill said in his loud, obnoxious way. “I am the captain. I own this ship. You’re all on my ship, which means I own all of you bitches. Naturally the puppy belongs to me.”

“You do not own me,” Gamora said in a dangerous tone.

“Except Gamora,” Quill tacked on apprehensively, because Gamora could remove his head from his shoulders with nothing but a bobble-head doll, and he did not have a death wish. She looked slightly less murderous, so he cleared his throat and continued, “Since the puppy is mine, I should be the one who gets to name him.”

“A magnificent name for a magnificent beast.” Drax crossed his arms over his massive chest. “Do not test my patience, friend Quill.”

Quill spread his arms grandly like a priest giving a sermon: “Awesome.”

They all waited patiently. 

They waited some more.

“Pray tell,” Gamora said, after a full minute had passed by.

“That’s it,” Quill said. “His name is Awesome.”

He was met with stunned, absolutely stunned silence.

“You are a moron,” Drax said finally. “That is not an appropriate name for such a fine, upstanding creature. It is somewhere along the lines of Rocket Raccoon.” Drax shot Rocket a deeply apologetic look. “I am sorry, my friend. I do not know who named you, but he or she must be a fool.”

“I NAMED MYSELF!”

“Obviously, we can’t call him Awesome,” Gamora said, as Rocket tried not to explode in a fit of supernova rage. She was still petting the stupid puppy on the head. A furry tail thumped against the floor in quick, staccato beats as tiny hairs took to the air like a flurry of golden snowflakes. 

Rocket’s nose twitched with distaste.

“I am Groot,” said Baby Groot. He had recently started to speak, but his voice sounded extremely squeaky, like a mouse high as a kite. It was still taking everyone a bit of getting used to. 

“That is your name, my friend. We cannot have both of you bearing the same name; it would be very confusing for all of us,” Drax explained to Baby Groot kindly. Baby Groot’s leaves drooped sadly all over the edge of his red clay pot.

“What about Killer?” Drax asked, stroking his chin. 

“No,” everyone chorused in unison. 

“Ass-kicker,” said Quill.

They all ignored him. Like Drax said, he was a moron.

Gamora slid a questioning glance in Rocket’s direction.

Rocket stuck his nose in the air as high as he could without falling over backwards. “I am not naming that thing,” Rocket said with an amazing amount of dignity, considering the fact he was less than three feet tall. “He is so beneath my notice.”

Gamora hugged the puppy to herself. 

“He’s so fluffy,” she cooed, burying her face deep in his thick golden coat. 

Rocket scowled. “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna DIE.”

“All this naming business is giving me a monumental migraine. Maybe we should just cut all the theatrics and call him Fluffy,” Quill said.

Drax frowned. “That sounds unseemly.”

Quill’s eyebrows flew to his hairline. “Really? Take a good look all around you. Rocket Raccoon. Starlord. Drax the Destroyer. And you think Fluffy will be the oddest name out of our little band of misfits?” 

“I try never to agree with Quill because he has suicidal tendencies but… man’s got a point,” Rocket said.

Quill tilted his head at Rocket. “Thank you, Rocket.”

Gamora blinked up at them under the fringe of her lashes. 

“I think it suits him,” she said, kissing the puppy lightly on the nose before hugging him tight again. The puppy pawed enthusiastically at her loose dark curls and drooled a little on her shirt, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“I am Groot,” squeaked Baby Groot in his tiny voice. 

They all looked at Drax questioningly.

“Alright,” Drax said, uncrossing his arms. He leaned in to run a big hand gently over the puppy’s small round head. “It is not a name that I would choose, but it does seem to fit him.”

“Yes!” Quill gave a victory fist pump. “Hot damn, I’m good.” 

“A name most worthy,” Drax agreed, sliding an arm around Quill’s shoulders and giving it a companionable squeeze. Quill winced as his bones creaked from the force.

“Welcome aboard, Fluffy,” said Gamora. “You can sleep in my bed tonight.”

“Lucky bastard,” Quill said under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die.” - Despicable Me
> 
> I've always, always wanted to use that quote. Please don't shoot.
> 
> ps. Thank you for the lovely kudos, comments, and PMs. You guys rock.

**Author's Note:**

> The fic actually has a plot. God help me.


End file.
